luca

so much on my mind, too much to do.

1 wk left? srsly? :S

if living at home were any harder right now I think i would have killed myself by now.

i need to get out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this fucking town, its so fucking boring.

its not gonna get any better though...

I'm really not surprised that you haven't called to hang out yet...I know we say that we'll hang out sometime but I secretly knew all along you would never actually do it.

i don't know why I wait for you...there's absolutely no reason.

this is so hard...being home is so strange.

my emotions are so mixed. I want to be in marburg but i dont want to leave my family. I was so excited to see my mom that I cried when I saw her. my sister hasn't changed, a bit mor perverted but thats nothing new...;)

the weathers nice...better than germanys weather.


my emotions are so mixed that i can't even explain what i'm feeling.
I miss hannah, mel and nicholas so much. Why couldn't they have came with me?
and now I have to start all over again on friday...in boston. i mean, yes im excited. but...i don't know. starting over again? hmpf..i dont want to go to school at all there...
i hope i can do a lot more with cleo when i get up there. I want a better relationship w. her.

its so strange being home.

n' i cut off all my hair again.

I went to the airport today to bring my host sister away. She left for Ireland for a year.
Everyone was crying...but i wasn't...
I dont know exactly why but I think it was because it hasn't hit me that I wont see her for a longggg time now. I don't even know how to explain this..and i felt bad. because i couldn't cry. I didnt want to fake cry because thats horrible...
I felt like such a bad person. and she had friends there who were crying andI was thinking on the day I leave I don't think i'll be crying either. I didn't cry on the day I left connecticut adn i don't think I'll cry in teh airport next friday.

of course I'm going to cry in school because my friends there meant the world to me...but I always still felt like a guest in my host family. I don't think I ever became part of their family officially..and i think they know that too.

Im happy to go home and just have no more stress...but I don't want to leave hannah, melanie, nicholas or anyone behind. that makes me SOOO sad. I almsot started crying when I pulled out my suitcase to start packing.
i was like "fuck..."

I don't know. so many mixed emotions. I can't even explain.

SHANGHAI/TAIWAN IM COMING!
(in about 1 and half years)

yep yep yep! im going back! to live there for half a year. im still debating between shanghai or taiwan.
these were the countries for which i had chosen:
Brazil
Shanghai (china)
Taiwan
South Africa
Argentina
Thailand
Japan

but I really want to learn chinese (like my mom) so I think I may try and spend half a year in Shanghai and then go to college in San Fransisco...

but I promise to post where ever in the world I am in the world whenever i'm somewhere else.
I know for a fact though that I wont be staying in the US forever...there are too many cultures out there that i'm missing out on. I've been sick of being stuck in a commercial country that calls themself "the land of the free" but I feel like all i've been there has been trapped. I like USA but I met some of the most amazing people in my life in different countries. People who I know won't leave me even though we're so far apart. And people from countries where friendship actually means something...

Its easy to make "friends" in the US but they will leave you so fast. in germany is hard to make good friends but once you have them you know they wont be leaving you anytime soon, the same goes for south america and asia.

I just feel the world has so much more to offer and i dont want to be stuck in one country with the same culture forever. Theres no adventure in that.

so basically you could say im not exactly SUPER excited to come home...I would much rather move to a different continent (bsp: asia!) with my family than go back to the US.

I haven't posted anything in a while because time is running out and I don't have much time to sit on a computer and write whats happened in my life so far. But basically in may I went to Paris, Stuttgart and Holland
Paris is a beautiful city and the people all dress as if they had a personal stylist. I admit though, the worlds most Romantic city stinks a bit...and I can't specifically say what it smells like. I guess you could say old cheese? You would have to go yourself to see what I mean.
I went to Stuttgart for a second time to say goodbye to my family members that I won't be seeing for a while...especially my grandpa. I felt that trip was really important for me incase anything happened to Grandpa while I was in the US. I tried spending as much time as I could with them, even watching a soccer game with them. FSV vs Wolfsberg - it was a brutal game.
Holland was also really nice I felt like the landscape was a really nice, it was perfect to go on a bike ride. BUT, I know - I always have a negative pt to things, I felt like my host family had brought me along to babysit my younger Host sister. I thought I was gonna go insane hanging out with an 11 year old girl who thought she was 17. But in the end it was good that I got to spend time with this family...I really appreciated the fact that they invited me to go with them to Holland.

In June so far...
The first weekend was boring because I needed time to recharge for my last full month in Germany.
But one wednesday im sleeping at Conys house before she leaves so I can say goodbye which is going to be so sad...I'm most likely going to cry. and then Thursday evening there was a dinner planned from Renate, a family friend, she knows how much I love MaulTaschen so she invited me to eat some at her house. and then Friday - Sunday is end of stay camp. That's going to be so much fun but at the same time at the end its going to be full of tears because it will be the last time I see any of the other exchange students in Hessen. The weekend after that Carla is coming to visit me. Shes a friend I made in Essen during midstay she's from venezuela and I love her! The following weekend my host sister leaves for Ireland and that will be the last time I see here for a while...kind of sad.
thaaaaaaaaaaaan its my last weekend here and then im off to the US.
Hannahs gonna be sleeping ovr my hosue the night before I leave and we'rejust gonna go to diskos and me, hannah, nico, melman & the rest of the group are gonna go drink our last german beers. OH cant forget the "Schaum Party" taht we're going to. Its at a disko and they throw foam all over you and its so much fun. I'll take pictures, promise.

The new house is looking good...two days after my arrival I'll be headed to beverly. My mom says to look at it like a new adventure...and im trying. but I can't see starting new all over again in a new school...oh well. bostons nice and if i get lonely I always have my family.

thats all for now, xoxo

you've lost control again.

I got my ear pierced! :) I want to go back for four more...but all on my ears.

I wish I had changed/matured a little this year...

person 1. Your mood swings are like out of control and you never even met her and your inlove with her. I find it really strange...and now your talking about marraige, your 18.

person 2. I understand that you have your period but these rude comments just need to stop. I mean, you have about one full month left here with me and you just being completely rude. im actually kind of happy to see you go...

Person 3. I'm glad I can depend on you.

person 4. Hurry up and come home! I miss you! No ones there for me when I want to skip class!!

person 5. I'm cruel to you...and its just mainly jelousy, sorry. I cant admit this to you though.

person 6. I'm so over you.

Im going to Rome tonight!!!!!

hah i have a german boyfriend. ^^

我有我的墙壁，我倾斜让您进来。

super crazy things happened over the wkend...
friday. drunk out of my mind.
saturday. hangover mel got so drunk she couldnt walk...we drove her home.
sunday. slept the whole day and baked.

honestly the thing that happened iwth mel scared me into thinking of being straight edge. she was so white and was throwing up all over the place.

I want you to know, that I miss what we had so much and i've written this before. Im so afraid of losing complete contact with you that I sometimes still write you random messages or send you things. I cant lose you. ever...is so sad how much I depend on you being there for me in the future. Im sorry i run away from things...I dont know what im running from but it wasnt anything that had to do with you.

Im so lost.

I got in a huge fight with my mom over the phone...I feel miserable about it because she ended up crying. We fought about how I was acting 'rebellious' towards her and not calling home. Im sorry...but at the moment I am just way too comfortable here...I dont want to start over again. I miss them. but I jst dont know if I can leave so soon...

and exchange year goes by too fast.

got drunk out of my mind the past two weeks.
this may sound like im on a downward spiral...but im not.
im at the peek of my teenage life...I've never felt so free.
I smoked weed more than once and felt the greatest feelings i've evr felt.
i followed hannahs advice, got too drunk to remember who I hooked up with.
but I feel like my life is just starting and its not as boring as it used to be.

this freedom is something i've been waiting for forever.
und ich moechte es nie verlassen.